radio phone in

Last night I spent hours laying on a bed in a hotel room listening to talk radio.

Lonely nocturnal voices from the hinterland

and the suburbs spoke of killer birds,

sleeping with your best friends daughter,

is it ok to eat tinned food after 75years?

why don’t famous people die of AIDs anymore?

Why aren’t dinosaurs mentioned in the bible? A woman called and spoke for 20 minutes about the fact she kept seeing clouds shaped like John Wayne, it was an omen she said, but as to what she didn’t know?

A man called offering tips for catching fish,

strangers discussed knifes,

a granny from Halifax wanted to see all immigrants shot or at the very least,

sent back to where they came from,

then shot.

A man with a stutter wanted us to hear his story of when he meet a ghost.

A caller was cut off. A man discussed the finer points of Satanism.

Can you have too many tattoo’s a lady asked?

If you have sex with a male sheep does that make you gay? An upset woman called in and said

her father-in-law touched her one Christmas while he was drunk

and every time she hears bells ring she freezes and cries. 25th December is a big black X on her calendar.

A man lost in a strange town called in for directions. A crap joke about 4 elephants in a pink mini.

A caller from Somerset, Violet asks if any listeners can see any strange lights in the sky. Violet reckons she can see shimmering cigar shaped lights darting across the empyrean vastness.

No ones calls in to verify this.

A call about funny shaped vegetables. Who would win in a fight, a vegan or a vegetarian?

People call in just to talk. The lonely midnight widow, the drunken man who slurs, a cabbie on hands free driving through a windy empty town centre spews some angry ill-informed right wing bile, an arm chair socialist calls in and an argument ensues, the radio hosts tuts, the “debate” becomes heated and then it’s some commercials:

loan companies,

a restaurant,

vaectomy clinic.

A call about a TV show that was on an hour ago. The lonely call in for comfort and others listen so they are not alone.

The calls keep coming in.  but a man, who sounded ancient called in and said during the war when he was camped out in a bombed out building one night, and the roof was missing,

and the stars looked so close so close

that he felt he could reach up and pull one down and keep in his pocket.

He then recalled how he saw a Germans head explode.

The caller trailed off and another caller came on, shouted FUCK and hung up.


The inane conversation cocooned me

lulled me to sleep.

Outside the rain is dropping like spilt milk from a sky that really couldn’t care.


A colourful canopy of a thousand umbrellas cover an ocean of people making their way here and there.



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